Courage and fear have been playing on my mind a lot recently.
Last week I put the following question on my wall:
What have you done today where others would have quit?
It was a challenge to myself, not to take the easy path. I’m not talking about mighty feats such as ultramarathons here. I’m talking about little things such as reading those couple of pages in a book that I enjoy even though I’m tired, or waking up 20 mins earlier to have time to meditate or exercise.
However, the quote really came to the forefront this weekend just gone when I got my manuscript back from the editor. It had….wait for it….8569 changes/comments to it.
Now I was a geek at school and red pen on my essays would send my head into a spin so imagine my reaction when this manuscript came back with the left-hand margin covered in comments.
Since deciding not to be a head I’ve tried to follow my heart a lot more. This has required me to put myself out there and try things a lot more than I’m used to. Saying yes to Abby Bayford for the Naylors Natter podcast is a classic example. I changed my top for that 3 times 10 minutes before we recorded. I do not know why, as it was audio only, but I never said my behaviour made sense. Talking for the first time about English not being my first language and how the little voice in my head, for every blog I write, whispers that I’m going to mess up, write in a way that makes me look uneducated, stupid or intellectually vacant is very real.
So back to the 8569 edits received on Friday. Well, on Friday evening I had a few drinks and went to bed early telling myself I was tired. On Saturday I stayed in bed till mid morning, telling myself I needed rest. By mid day I was out of excuses and sulking around the house. What I really needed was to face the fear of plucking away at a manuscript I have already spent a year creating, to get it to where I’m proud of it.
Confession: I am a sucker for motivational quotes, videos, podcasts and music. Look at my Spotify playlists and they’re all called things like ‘Happiness’ or ‘Girl Power.’ So on Saturday I was listening to a motivational video on YouTube and it was by Robert Herjavec a Canadian businessman, the son of immigrants he talked about his success and being emotionally attached to his projects. He states one of the biggest lessons he learnt was to keep a healthy distance between himself and what he produced. To listen to feedback and do what needs to be done. The words that really stuck out to me were ‘All you deserve in life is an opportunity’ and then you go after it. I have the opportunity to write. Whether or not I do it well is up to me and how much practice I put in. But I must take this opportunity. Because my parents didn’t have it and came to the UK to give it to me. Fear will not rob me nor them of that privilege.
So when I asked myself what I would say to myself when I go to bed at night and ask ‘What have I done today where others would have quit’ it would be, I kept writing and the little girl who couldn’t communicate in nursery, kept having a voice.
Just so you know, I have now worked through 1000 of those edits. None of it was graceful, and a lot of KitKats have been eaten.
Like I mentioned in a recent tweet. Maybe Courage isn’t all brash and proud. Maybe it’s more like having a sulk, throwing a hissy fit, and then doing what needs to be done.