Tag: Imposter syndrome

Am I good enough?

It’s a question that haunts me continuously, and from conversations I’ve had with peers and friends, haunts a lot of other people too.

Am I good enough for the project I’m about to embark on? This job I want to apply for? Or have applied for? To have that opinion? To be in this meeting? This room? At the table?

Often we look for outside clues that we might be good enough. Our boss telling us what a great job we are doing? Some good results? A positive outcome? The problem is much of that is fickle. It depends on what type of boss we have, the project or the multiple factors that affect it. As a result our self esteem takes a rollercoaster ride, sometimes high, sometimes low because of these factors.

Many of us have a date with imposter syndrome, more often than we’d like. I recently watched a video by Ali Abdaal, a youtube star who made his mark by offering advice to medical students being a junior doctor himself. In one of his videos he speaks about Imposter Syndrome and says ‘The thing is, you are an imposter.’ And that stopped me in my tracks. It makes sense doesn’t it. If you’re trying something new, a project, job, task, you are an imposter, you’ve never done it before. But that doesn’t have to stop us. Maybe we just accept that.

This got me thinking, maybe the question isn’t ‘Am I good enough?’ but ‘Am I getting better?’ Every time I embark on something knew that doesn’t guarantee success am I trying to get better? Again this can be a fickle beast if we look for reassurance from the outside world but if we set personal indicators it is a lot better. For instance writing a book for the first time? Some methods to get better are to write more, set yourself word targets, get editing software and look at the changes it is suggesting for your text to know how you can improve your writing etc… Starting a new job? Look at the job description and set yourself targets that you yourself can feedback on, for example if raising the quality of teaching, support struggling staff, meet with them regularly, set clear targets for them and help them achieve these, buddy them up with someone who demonstrates the skill set they are trying to develop. Often by helping others we feel good enough too.

So as I embark on branching out and trying projects beyond teaching my new question is ‘Am I getting better.’ And I’ll be the judge of that.

Courage – that old trickster

Courage and fear have been playing on my mind a lot recently.

Last week I put the following question on my wall:

What have you done today where others would have quit?

It was a challenge to myself, not to take the easy path. I’m not talking about mighty feats such as ultramarathons here. I’m talking about little things such as reading those couple of pages in a book that I enjoy even though I’m tired, or waking up 20 mins earlier to have time to meditate or exercise.

However, the quote really came to the forefront this weekend just gone when I got my manuscript back from the editor. It had….wait for it….8569 changes/comments to it.

Now I was a geek at school and red pen on my essays would send my head into a spin so imagine my reaction when this manuscript came back with the left-hand margin covered in comments.

Since deciding not to be a head I’ve tried to follow my heart a lot more. This has required me to put myself out there and try things a lot more than I’m used to. Saying yes to Abby Bayford for the Naylors Natter podcast is a classic example. I changed my top for that 3 times 10 minutes before we recorded. I do not know why, as it was audio only, but I never said my behaviour made sense. Talking for the first time about English not being my first language and how the little voice in my head, for every blog I write, whispers that I’m going to mess up, write in a way that makes me look uneducated, stupid or intellectually vacant is very real.

So back to the 8569 edits received on Friday. Well, on Friday evening I had a few drinks and went to bed early telling myself I was tired. On Saturday I stayed in bed till mid morning, telling myself I needed rest. By mid day I was out of excuses and sulking around the house. What I really needed was to face the fear of plucking away at a manuscript I have already spent a year creating, to get it to where I’m proud of it.

Confession: I am a sucker for motivational quotes, videos, podcasts and music. Look at my Spotify playlists and they’re all called things like ‘Happiness’ or ‘Girl Power.’ So on Saturday I was listening to a motivational video on YouTube and it was by Robert Herjavec a Canadian businessman, the son of immigrants he talked about his success and being emotionally attached to his projects. He states one of the biggest lessons he learnt was to keep a healthy distance between himself and what he produced. To listen to feedback and do what needs to be done. The words that really stuck out to me were ‘All you deserve in life is an opportunity’ and then you go after it. I have the opportunity to write. Whether or not I do it well is up to me and how much practice I put in. But I must take this opportunity. Because my parents didn’t have it and came to the UK to give it to me. Fear will not rob me nor them of that privilege.

So when I asked myself what I would say to myself when I go to bed at night and ask ‘What have I done today where others would have quit’ it would be, I kept writing and the little girl who couldn’t communicate in nursery, kept having a voice.

Just so you know, I have now worked through 1000 of those edits. None of it was graceful, and a lot of KitKats have been eaten.

Like I mentioned in a recent tweet. Maybe Courage isn’t all brash and proud. Maybe it’s more like having a sulk, throwing a hissy fit, and then doing what needs to be done.